Savor the seconds

Never thought I'd be so happy to be in Mesquite, Tx. I am so thankful to be surrounded by family and friends while Ryan deploys for the first time. I dreaded the car ride here, especially with a toddler, but luckily the second day was not as bad as the first. Also I took a few pictures that I love.
This one was in the morning in South Dakota. I can't remember ever witnessing the sunrise. It was mesmerizing.

The sun wanted to creep up.

I looked back at one moment and realized as we were waiting for the sunrise, the moon was still behind us wrapped up in the colorful clouds. 

 The sun rise was so beautiful. A memory I will hold onto for a long time. The three of us witnessing something so mundane, yet miraculous.

I was so excited to finally see the dried up Red River!

Donnie so enjoyed getting out of the car and being able to run around and play.

As much as I had dreaded the long drive we made a lot of great memories on the road. As we settle into Texas I am dreading this week to come to an end. Thursday. I hate Thursday. But enough about the sad stuff. I am so excited for today! Today Ryan and I get to go out on a dinner and a movie date! We haven't been on one in more than 7 months! I am also really excited to finally see Mocking Jay, but its a huge plus that I get to take a hot date with me! With only a few days left with Ryan 

in person I am just going take each day slowly and try to savor every second.

Get to it

The time is nearing to leave our first home outside of Texas. I knew this day would come, but honestly I did not think it would come so soon. One minute I am so excited and the next extremely sad. I am so thankful for the internet because that is how I met a great friend before we came to South Dakota and she then introduced me to a great group of women. I love knowing I will still have friends when I come back to South Dakota. Six Months is not that long, but it still is not fun to think about. I do not think there is a job Ryan could have had that would allow me to stay home with our son. I am ever so grateful for that. I honestly did not even imagine this lifestyle. I know there are so many things I still don't know, but I am learning everyday. Especially about OPSEC. Basically keep your mouth shut. I can't say where Ryan is going or when he leaves and I get it, but, but well nothing. We have been apart before not too long ago and had very little contact so I am trying to remember that to help me get through this. I know I am not the only one going through this, but it still sucks. That's really the only way I can describe it. In all reality Ryan promised to serve this country and he is upholding that promise and I could not be more proud of him. My son has a great role model. And I have an amazing husband. 

I think the one thing that's not helping at all is packing. Packing up a small item that holds so many memories. Whether its a box holding 10 year old love notes, a CD that was gifted to me because Ryan was heading in the right direction 10 years ago, Donnie's hospital tag, an engraved mug, I mean the list goes on and on. A lifetime worth of memories that I honestly haven't given a thought to in months and months are so now precious again. I think this move is not only resurfacing memories for me but for Ryan too. I won't go any further than that, but my heart aches for him. He is always keeping me together emotionally. He is always the voice of reason, calmness, and assurance. I owe it to him to be the same when he needs it. As much as I want to cry all day everyday, I know that he needs me to be strong. And I am in no way doing it alone. I am so thankful for family and friends for their encouragement. Also there is a sweet, smart, little rascal that keeps me going as well. 

As much as I've delayed getting back to packing, I must get to it. 

“We must learn how to explode! Any disease is healthier than the one provoked by a hoarded rage.” 
― Emil Cioran

Its a start

Its been three days since I've started a workout routine. Every other day my husband gets a work out routine for me to do and on the other day I run for 30 minutes. I know its not much now but I know its a start in the right direction. I already eat really well so I at least have that going for me. I figured when I became a stay at home Mom it would all fall in place but it seems I would find anything to get sad about and then eat bad things and not workout at all. I've stayed to gain the 10 pounds I lost after I quit working so I think that's when it hit me that I need to change more in order to become the healthy person I want to me. It seems like I've always has body issues but I want to change that. I want to be the best for myself and my family. I don't want to die early because I ate wrong and lived a lazy lifestyle. I know I have to keep at it and I've given my husband permission to push and push and for that I am grateful. It means so much to me that he's always there for me.

Still getting adjusted.

It's weird being so far away from "home" and when I saw that I mean Texas where all of my family lives. Thank goodness for modern technology though! Whether its pictures or video chatting, it's such a great way to keep in touch. After being here for a few months and finally starting to get a routine our world gets turned upside down knowing that Ryan will definitely deploy. I can not say when or where he is going but come on I think everyone knows the general part of the world he'll go. I so knew this could and would happen, but still my husband and father of my son will be far away for a long while. Luckily we have made the decision to go back to Texas. Since Donnie isn't in school yet, it will be easy now to go for a visit then it will in the future.

Countdown T-MINUS 54 Days

I started a countdown widget today! I don't really know why but seeing it as 54 days seems a lot better than 8 weeks! LOL I really have no clue why! Well I spent the night at my mom's to watch my little. Donnie went to bed by 8 and I was so bored. I watched movies and wrote a ton to Ryan. This morning we've eaten breakfast and just trying to figure out what we'll do today. There is really nothing we can do outside because it is a little chilly. I do not want to take Donnie and chance him getting sick. I am still waiting to receive the information I need in order to get our military ID cards and TriCARE insurance information. I really wish Ryan could get at least one call a week. I have heard of other people getting that, but I think they stopped doing that. It really sucks because I am so used to telling him everything. Every little thing. I keep thinking of his first phone call. I was in shock when I heard his voice. It was definitely a nice way to start out the New Year, but I still can not get over how he sounded. He sounded so worn out, tired and stressed. He told me he was stressed out, but that he could do it. I wanted to cry so badly, but I knew that it would be worse for him. I told him that Donnie and I were safe and he didn't need to worry about us. All he had to do was worry about himself and make it though. I told him how proud we are because he is such a strong and brave person and that it is all worth it in the end. I made the mistake of watching several videos on youtube that showed a lot of the yelling. The recruits looked so confused! I was in complete disbelief. I know that he knew what he was getting into, but its still really hard knowing that he is getting very little sleep, not much to eat or crappy food at that and getting yelled at constantly. He is a strong person though. I know he can do it. I just have to keep telling myself that. And I hear him telling me "It's only temporary."  He is really good at looking at things in a positive light or not letting little things get to him. I have learned so much from him. He have known each other since we were 16 years old. Its really a funny story.

I had a best friend. Probably not the BEST if you know what I mean. Trouble always seemed to follow her, but I guess that was a good thing for me. Because my friend had gotten into a lot of trouble at home she moved in with her sister. I was able to spend the night over her house on a Saturday. We could not think of what to do. There was a battle of the bands at the softball complex and she said that we should go. Luckily her brother in law was able to drop us off. Its all a little fuzzy. I remember she said that she knew these two guys. We walked over to them. I remember seeing this tall guy, pale skin, dark black hair (he dyed it) and incredible eyes! I just remember not being able to stop staring at him. They decided to leave shortly after we met because they thought it was lame. So fast forward to Monday and my friend called me from her sisters. She was in trouble so she could not get on the internet. She wanted me to sign on to her AIM account and see if there was a particular guy signed on. He was not, but a lot of people were messaging her. I asked who this one person was and she told me it was that Ryan guy from the battle of the bands. I told her I thought he was so cute! She said that I should pretend to be her and tell him I thought he was cute. I did. And he said, "Oh that cute Mexican girl." I had given him my screen name and told him I would be on in 10 minutes. So of course I sign off her screen name and wait exactly 10 minutes! He messaged me as soon as I signed on. We just chatted about the most random things. He went to a different high school across town, but we managed to spend every single moment we possibly could together. We definitely went though hard times, but he never broke up or took a break. We always worked together to work out an disagreements we had. I honestly did not think I would end up meeting my soul mate at the age of 16. Some people probably think I am crazy because I haven't really "lived" my life. The thing is that Ryan is my life. Our life with our son Donnie. I am content with that. I always said I would never be a stay at home mom/wife, but after having my son I want to spend so much time with him. I want to make sure that I take care of Ryan and our family. I am so happy that this is my life now. Its just a little hard having him not here with us. I know I can do it. I have to do it for Ryan. I have to be strong for him. I know he is expecting that of me.

2014.

Well its already the 3rd of January and I still haven't had my kiss yet this year. Even though we don't really stay up at midnight anymore but we kissed everyday! I miss him so much! It was so hard to let him get on that bus! I wanted to run and tell him NO! Don't do it! I know its all for the better. Waiting for his call on Wednesday was so horrible. I wasn't guaranteed to get it that day, but I just had a feeling I would get it. Everything reminds me of him. Last night I got a package of  ink that Ryan ordered before he left. It was a cheaper version of what our printer called for and he said it would work. Well I tried to install it yesterday but instead I got black ink all over my right hand and the printer would not recognize the ink or let me bypass it! I was so angry at him and then I was sad because he was not here for me to get mad at or for him to fix it! I rely on him so much! I know I need to be more independent and this is a really good opportunity for that, but it doesn't change the fact that he is my soul mate and I am in this big world without him. I am going to do so many things myself. I am so thankful that this time around I have family because when he deploys we will probably be far away from them. I am glad that I am getting to meet my new family, my Air Force family! They are all so kind and welcoming! I am connecting with so many people! I think that has really been a big help! I am getting all this support through the Air Force WingMOM networking on facebook. On Monday I even got to meet the creator and founder, Lisa! She is amazing! It turns out she even lives right down the street from me! I really hope I get to know her better and maybe when my journey is over I can help others. I am already trying to help out a little by finding people on instagram and directing them to AFWM! I feel like every little things reminds me of him. Songs on the radio, my ink stained right hand, the package the ink came in had this HUGE A3 on it and that is his rank, and even this show I watched this morning, this couple reunited after a long time of not seeing each other were playing the card game WAR. I had never played that game before. When we were waiting on Monday at Meps, Ryan showed me how to play. It was fun for like the first 30 minutes, but after a while we stopped and relaxed on a couch and watched a movie and then of course of only a few minutes of enjoying his closeness he gets called to swear in. I am so happy that I got to stay there the whole morning and afternoon with him. I am definitely thankful that I decided to not bring Donnie. I am so lucky my little sister watched him for us. She comes to my rescue a lot! It sounds like my little man knows I am talking about him and it sounds like he is waking up. Here's to a great day! I really hope I get a call tomorrow. If not at least this first week is almost over!

Our last picture of 2013. Right before he stepped on the bus.